These are the reasons why I will never catch feelings again

I recently watched a local film called My Ex and Whys.” This is the gist of the rom-com:

The film follows the story of Cali (Liza Soberano), a blogger who owns the up and coming blog, “The Bakit List”, and her ex Gio (Enrique Gil), who will return to her life unexpectedly and surprisingly after breaking her heart.

Can you really still love someone who caused you pain?
IMDB

The reason why the two broke up is because Cali caught Gio sleeping with someone else when he was drunk. I think those of us who experienced something similar know just how much betrayal can hurt. While I’m pretty sure I am no longer in love with my ex, I just can’t seem to shake off the hurt that kept popping up regularly and continued to drag on for 5+ years.

You men think when you cheat, you “just hurt” us? You play around and you expect us to just cry in the corner? We’ll just sleep off the pain and then we’re okay the next day? That’s what girls want. We wish it’s that easy, but it’s not. Our brains never stop thinking of answers to our many questions. Why did he do that? Am I not enough? Am I lacking something? Is there something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Is my body ugly? Am I that easily replaceable?

Every time my mind strays and wanders back to those memories, to that time in my life, it still hits me. I feel the weight of the pain that resurfaces at given times. And that is why…

That is why I run away when I see a possibility with some guy.

That is why I refuse to accept that any guy will be genuinely interested in me. What I went through with my ex had managed to slowly but surely strip some of my self-confidence.

That is why I feel like I’m not enough. I’m never enough. When he would suddenly disappear for days, when he finally chose the other girl, it was very clear where I stood in his life.

That is why I’m not willing to take the risk. I have put in more than enough energy in picking myself up and cleaning up the mess. I refuse to put myself through the same thing again.

That is why I won’t give in to any and all brewing feelings.

That is why I fight feelings.

That is why I use my head over my heart.

That is why I continue to tuck away the part of me who cares.

That is why I refuse to bring back my soft side.

That is why, at least once or twice within those 5+ years, I’d admit to someone new that I am starting to grow these feelings for him. And he can take it or leave it, no obligations or expectations. I’ll let him walk away if he wants – – freely, with no questions asked.

That is why it is now easier to accept things and let people go.

That is also why I am both broken and stronger now.


Gio: Do we have a problem?
Cali:Nope.
Gio: Did I do something wrong?
Cali: No.
Gio: Then why are we like this? You don’t answer my texts, my calls. You called me but when I called you back, you didn’t pick up.
Cali: I didn’t want to disturb you and Hana.
Gio: Are you jealous of Hana?
Cali: Why should I be? I’m not your girlfriend.
Gio: Yes, but I thought we were getting better. I mean, that night… at the room… in Korea. Remember?
Cali: I was drunk that night.
Gio: Even if your were drunk, you knew what you were doing. You said that!
Cali: Yes, but it doesn’t mean anything.
Gio: Really? So everything…  It was all nothing?
Cali: Why do we have to talk about this? What’s your point?
Gio: The truth!
Cali: What truth?
Gio: That this is not just nothing. That you love me!
Cali: It doesn’t matter.
Gio: What do you mean?
Cali: Even if I love you or not, it doesn’t matter in the end. You’re just being like this now because you’re apologizing. After this, you’re just going to leave me.
Gio: Oh, so you’re a psychic now? Could you really predict what’s going to happen?
Cali: Yes! That’s why we should end this as early as now!
Gio: How sure are you?
Cali: I have never met a guy who’s never cheated!
Gio: What about those who change?
Cali: I’ve never met one.
Gio: What about me? How many reasons do you need so you can trust me again? What else do I have to prove? I’m not just my mistake, Cali. I’ve proven that I could change.
Cali: I’m sorry but… I don’t think I could trust anyone anymore.
Gio: Why?
Cali: I don’t know!
Gio: You can’t just give me that answer. Why, Cali?
Cali: What if you hurt me again?
Gio: What if I don’t? What if we’re going to be happy, after all? What if I’ll love you for the rest of my life? But we won’t know the answers to that unless you trust me again.
Cali: I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I’m not as brave as you. I’m sorry if this is hard for you. I’m sorry if I’m so confusing. I’m sorry I ran out of reasons to trust you again. Because even I don’t know why.
Gio: Just know this… Just know that I love you and I’ll never give up on you. But I can’t do this alone. Why don’t you take a risk on me, too?