How to Excel in Being Single: A Crash Course

You know how some people offer classes on web design or pottery or social media marketing? News flash!! I will not be offering any of those but I figured I could offer something more along my alley. Something I could 300% sink my teeth into, with scorching passion. I figured hey! I could offer a “How to excel in being single” class! This is the course every other female wants. (Sshh… It’s okay to want to enroll in this make believe course. Had this been offered years ago, while I was doting and dating on those types of men, I would’ve enrolled con rapidez!) One of my skills seem to be zoning in on the emotionally unavailable men. You’d think that after 90909876 dates, I’d have learned my lessons, but nope. You can’t make this girl give up her skill just like that. I mean, do you know the things I had to go through just to handle the hoops and whoops those boys threw at me? Where’s the fun in that if they’re not challenging enough, right? Right?

WRONG. If you’ve ever shown interest in someone and said someone seemed to like you back (important note: “seemed” is the key word here), only to get ghosted or dropped in the middle of flirty texts and smoldering locking of eyes (or lips, if you want… hehe!) then you can officially call me your bestfriend in the whole wide world — nay, UNIVERSE. You have come to the right blog, dearie, because guess what? This course I am talking about… *clears throat* So, I will not only make it a point to include gummy worms + vodka and pizza in my welcome packet. I will also make sure the location is somewhere awesome like the beach or a swanky hotel. And most importantly, I will offer you precious, precious classes to prime you for being seriously single.

a single person is someone who is not in a relationship or is unmarried. In common usage, the term ‘single’ is often used to refer to someone who is not involved in any type of serious romantic relationship, including long-term dating, engagement, marriage, or someone who is ‘single by choice’

Thank you, Wikipedia, for clearing that one up. Now all ye single ladies, forward… march! Or read more to find out the classes I have in mind that you could benefit from.

Primer: But were you ever really together together, though?

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Before I blab proceed to the handy list of classes, you must — absolutely must — ask yourself that question. Why? Because it’s a completely different story if you just think he’s into you. However, if he’s made his intentions clear (e.g. he asks you out on dates, he regularly texts you or — even better — calls you, etc.) then feel free to read below.

Introduction: The kick-ass female

It doesn’t matter if you’re single right now because you’re broken-hearted or you’re single because hey, it’s cool and you’d rather make sure the next guy you date is not like the ones from your past. What matters is that you while you’re embracing being single, you also know what to do while waddling around. There are tools for that, for the correct and proper waddling. Okay? And I am stoked to share them with you. It’s good to know that my years and years and years of dating disasters and relationship blunders will create something good.

There are five things (aspects? areas? I only had three hours’ worth of sleep so please let that poor choice of words slide) that those around me seem to find themselves in, namely:

  1. The f**kboys
  2. You friendzone guys
  3. Guys put you in the friendzone. Firmly.
  4. Being ghosted
  5. Flirting, flirting, and more flirting

There are more topics to touch on, of course. The list is exhausting. This is just the sneak peek, so to speak. (Ha! See what I did there?) If you want to stop being the only person in your pity party because of some guy, if you want to start being that fearless single, read on and rock it!

All right. So I decided that if I ever, ever gave a crash course on how to excel in being single, these five things are definitely on top of my must-talk-about:

F**kboy 101

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Spot them from 10,000 miles away. Know the lines they spew long before they spew them on you. Handle them with feral grace. And break them, if you must.

Mastering the Friendzone

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Bring the art of befriending all males to the next level. Especially handy if you’re dead set on being single forever. With this class, you’ll be equipped with effective retorts and the mastery of the look-but-don’t-touch vibe.

Help! I’m in the Friendzone!

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How to cope while waddling around in that 45678th circle of hell, infamously known as… The Friendzone. Ice-cream and pizza may or may not be included. You will be tested in this class. Also? Blood, sweat and tears may or may not be included.

Ghostbusting the Ghosting

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All was going well. It’s all fun and games until he disappears into thin air. In fact, he does that so well he puts Houdini to shame. If you’ve ever been dropped like a hot potato even though you’ve tried your very best to be a good potato, dammit, then this class is perfect for you! I will teach you how to cope with ghosting, how to turn the tables, and come out being the victorious, um, Ghostbuster (eh?) in this scenario.

A Dash of Flirting 101

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Batting your eyelashes like you’ve got a kilo of sand in your eyes is soooo 18th century. In my class, you’ll learn to sharpen your wit and sense of humor. By the time this class finishes, you’ll be so irresistible and funny and did I mention irresistible (?) that men will practically worship the ground you walk on. Drooling may happen. You were forewarned. Also: Don’t count on make-up tutorials, though. Sadly, that is not my strongest suit.

Ladies, you are definitely in good hands should you decide to enroll in this kick-ass course. I mean, there’s going to be free gummy worms + vodka and pizza. That alone should be enough to make you jump on board this course!