How do you get the guys?

Success rate varies between a not-so-whopping 65% and an infinitely sad 7%.

So you’ve been eyeing that boy man for a while now. Maybe he’s a co-worker who caught your eye, maybe he’s someone you see regularly at the local coffeeshop and you are one stop short from stalking him. Who knows? Stranger things have happened. I am not here to judge your ability to stalk your crush via all forms of social media, the grapevine, or — heaven forbid — your “accidentally passing by his neighborhood” trips. Nay, I am here to help you out. Sharpen your man appeal and all that shit — jazz. Sorry, I mean jazz. And with that said, here are six pro tips that will make sure you catch his attention:

1. Play hard to get.

Mess with his mind. Be all over him one second and then act as if you’ve got amnesia and don’t remember who he is. AT ALL. Top that with sweet / sulky messages. Throw in giving him the silent treatment every other week, making him wonder:

  • What he’s done wrong
  • What’s wrong with you

You know “the rules” and you know them by heart. Playing hard to get is up there on the top five rules, right? (You tell me, because I am absolutely hopeless in memorizing stuff.)

2. Tell your friends how you’re so in love with him, after just one or two, two and a half, two and a quarter, moments spent with him.

This tactic will definitely catch his attention because your friends will talk to other people and other people will inevitably talk to someone who knows your crush and BOOM! Now your crush knows you like him. And you didn’t even have to lift a finger!

3. Drop breadcrumbs in your social media statuses.

Go ahead. Type in that status that is about him, if not for him. He’s guaranteed to see it. (Can’t guarantee ªhe’ll be flattered, though.) Even better, if you’re bold (and fifty shades of crazy) enough, tag him! If that doesn’t catch his attention, better move on to someone sharper, dear.

4. Do things for him with enthusiasm, because you don’t do things halfway.

Bring him coffee if you’re in the same office. Pour some love potion in it. Insist that he drink it, in spite of his polite refusals. Do not leave until he finishes that coffee. Sit on his desk and watch, if you must. Buy him something cute yet useful, like a graphic t-shirt in his favorite color that says, “Be mine!!!!!!!!!!” Or you can go all out and buy out-of-country tickets for you both to explore someplace else, preferably an isolated island where you can have him for yourself, because nothing is more romantic than being lost among ferns and leaves and snakes and God knows what else.

For the go-getter girls out there: Invite yourself over to his house. Bring pizza, because pizza always works. And beer, obviously.

5. Drunk text him.

Ah, this seems to be a favorite move of those in obsession love. I need not explain it further, because most people seem convinced that drunk minds speak sober hearts. (I have yet to research on that, as I am not convinced.) You find liquid courage in vodkas and whiskeys. You come up with a heartfelt, albeit awkward, messages that you send with a feeling of heady triumph, convinced you’ve done the right thing. “There! There now! He’ll finally know what this is all about!” you tell yourself.

Only to regret the whole thing the next day. The good news is that at least you won’t have to wait longer to find out if your feelings are reciprocated.

6. Read between the lines. Read hard.

What did his smile mean? Was that eye-contact meant to signal that this attraction is mutual? Wait. Did he just drop a flirty line?  Egad! Perhaps two flirty lines? You wait for signs and you keep analyzing his every movement, every word. After all, those moments, those things he said to you, couldn’t possibly NOT mean anything to him because those meant everything to you. You continue to put meanings to nearly everything that has something to do with him, convinced that this must be fate.

Disclaimer: This is a humor post, not to be taken seriously. If you thought these things could actually catch a (worthy) man’s interest and keep it, please contact me immediately. I am worried about your state of mental health. I do some (unprofessional) counseling, too. For free.