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Awesome Ideas: The Travel Edition

2016 was so bad that there is a huge, huge pressure for 2017 to make up for it. Personally, I’m not that big in New Year’s Resolutions but hey, I’m willing to expand my horizons this year. Grow my wings and all that jazz. What better way to grow these wings (fluffy and white, fyi) and maximize that jazz than to travel outside the country? But let’s face it: Traveling somewhere (especially to the places I want to go to) can be expensive. Can be. But it doesn’t have to be. Hear me out. It gets better, I promise.

I have always wanted to go to the UK. See the castles, soak in the culture, drink myself to oblivion in their pubs, get lost in the outskirts of the cities. Typical tourist stuff, yeah? And then my friends and I got to talking about visiting Thailand, Myanmar, Japan, or Dubai. You know, get lost in the temples for hours, make our tongues numb from eating 984375y spicy dishes or choke on sand as we venture in the desert! Like I said: Typical tourist stuff. Planning trips is easy. Coming up with ways to make them happen is another thing. I could sulk and pout about bringing out money but that’s not going to take me nowhere near England or Thailand. So I cast the sulking and pouting aside and… lo and behold! A genius moment! I swear, all the light bulbs seemed to wink at me then.

While walking on my way to the office, an idea hit me. An idea so stupendous I nearly tripped on my own two feet. Here it is: A host. I could advertise for a host when I’m in another country. And in exchange for my stay there, I am going to offer a couple of things. Things so irresistible that my host will eagerly say yes before I even finish my first paragraph. And so ladies and and gentlemen, let me present you the Host Packages for Anna Banana’s Around the World Challenge!

Salestalk Introduction for my future hosts

I get it. You wouldn’t want to accommodate a stranger inside your home, especially one with hair that seems like the last time it has seen a comb was when boybands were all the rage. (But I smell good, I promise.) But think of all the things you’ll be getting in exchange for sheltering me under your roof for three days. Seven days, max. Also, how can you say no to my famous pancakes and bacon? *pause* Okay, I have actually never cooked bacon. Cooking was never my strongest suit, but my pancakes are… quite edible. That’s not important in our agreement, yes? What’s important is that I will be the most well-behaved guest you will ever have. For sure. I can give you references, if you want, from my teachers and former co-employees. I have every faith that they will back me up on my claim, including the I-can’t-cook-for-shit part. See? Already I’m being honest with you! An honest stranger! How rare and wonderful is that? Moving on, below is a list of what you get, should you have the heart to adopt me forever make your home my home if but for a few days.

The Conservative Package

The host, in return for letting me stay at his / her / their house will be guaranteed the following:

  • coffee or juice and pancakes in the morning, any way you like (a side of fruits is optional)
  • a human alarm clock (that would be me, barging in on your bedroom with pots and pans in my hands)
  • take your dog / rabbit / iguana for a daily walk.
  • sing to you while you sleep, your song of choice. (Please take note that I am not a soprano but that I can sing “On My Own” with 40% success rate.)
  • Make you a delicious, mouth-watering, out-of-this-world Chef’s Salad. (Because really, how hard can it be to toss this and that and lather it with dressing? Even a five year-old can do that.)

The Bestfriend Package

The host, in return for letting me stay at his / her / their house, will be guaranteed the following:

  • Morning coffee / juice + pancakes, eggs, and bacon (quality not guaranteed)
  • Give my comments and suggestions regarding your outfit.
  • Help your child / children with homework / projects.
  • Cut your hair, should you wish to get a new look. (Note: I have only ever cut my own bangs and the end result was… interesting.)
  • Listen to your problems, but only between 7 and 9 PM. Advice and solutions guaranteed.
  • Sing karaoke with you, if you’re into that kind of stuff. (No judgements here; we’re cool.)
  • I’ll even throw in washing your windows because I am a generous human being.

The Partners-in-Crime Package

The host, in return for letting me stay at his / her / their house, will be guaranteed the following:

  • Clean your house from top to bottom, but garden not included because I am squeamish about soil and dirt.
  • But if you have a pool, I can clean that
  • Heck, I’ll even clean your teeth if you want.
  • Do your grocery shopping and laundry.
  • Contact an alien or a ghost for you, if that’s your jam. (It’s not mine but hey, you’re the host. Ergo, you’re the boss.)
  • Accompany you to three events (max) should the need arise, be it a simple barbecue or riding an ATV in the desert. (Please know that I will take care of the cost of my clothes and hair and make-up, because I am not a hooker.)
  • Foot massage and back rubs, but please provide oil or lotion.
  • Morning calls and nightly “lullabies” consisting of pots and pans, freestyle rapping and a capellas on my part (Note: The rapping would probably not make sense but you should let that slip.)
  • Be your gym buddy, provided that it is between 10 AM and 5 PM.
  • Talk your ear off with hilarious tales from my past
  • Do shopping with you (but I can only carry six bags at the most)
  • Go anywhere outside for an adventure, sky-diving included

All the packages above are non-negotiable but since I am a softie, I will most probably allow you to make a tweak or two. Before you contact me and agree to let me in your humble (or not-so-humble, if you are worth a million bucks) abode, here are some important things you need to know about me:

  1. I am not a morning person. Hence, any and all morning activities before 10 AM will be refused.
  2. No, skinny dipping is not included in the last item in The Partners-in-Crine Package.
  3. Actually, no nudity is allowed in any of the packages because I am conservative like that.
  4. I am willing to sleep on the sofa but if you have it in your heart to let me have my own guest bedroom, you will forever have my gratefulness. Plus, I heard that’s a quick and easy way to earn a sure spot in heaven.
  5. I am absolutely hopeless in cooking but no one has died yet from my previous attempts. (There, there. That was comforting, wasn’t it?)
  6. I am a short person, so no need to worry about giving me a large space to sleep in.
  7. I can sleep for more than 12 hours. So please do not panic and avoid calling the paramedics when I can’t seem to wake up. I’ll be up and about before you know it.

And there you have it. Three packages to choose from. So choose one and contact me any time, people from UK, Thailand, Myanmar, Japan, and Dubai! You will never have another well-behaved, sensitive, and mannerly guest like me.